Saturday, July 21, 2007
hmm, time flies. My 6-week summer session is almost over, and so will the period of calm and equilibirum that living alone has brought me.
I used to dread living alone @ a big house that is away from where most of my Singaporean friends live, Valentine's place. I used to dread having to cook for myself, clean up after myself, pay bills, grocery shopping, and of course, entertaining myself, and driving away the ghosts of loneliness.
I am kinda glad I decided to live on my own over summer, in retrospect. Because I actually quite enjoyed having time for myself. The past 2 semesters @ Cornell has been work, work, work. And more often than not, leading a life that isn't mine. I had led a life that revolved around people, and even though many a times, I had good time allowing myself to twirl around people, it isn't my life after all. And not that I did not enjoy it, but many times, it left me tired and discouraged. It was time to end it all and lead a life I can call my own.
And lead my life I did, and I like it. On my own, I decide when I am hungry and need to eat; I decide when I needed a spin on my Baby Camry to de-stress and shill out; I decide when I want to hang out and have a couple of drinks with my closer friends.
But in reality, this has nothing to do with living on my own. The truth is, I had been living in my fantasy world. I had been hoping for things to go my way; I had been hoping for my destiny to change for the better; in short, I had been hoping. And the more I hope, the more disappointed I got. And reading the previous posts in my now-defunct blog, it seemed ridiculous this was the same Henry who had written those words. That he believes one's own destiny is in his own hands. And yet, all semester, I had been hoping for the best, hoping for someone to change, hoping for myself to change. And in the end, it remained as it was in the beginning-- a hope.
Perhaps that is because I am aquarian, so I can get pretty emotional, especially to affairs of the heart. And so, ever since I had been hurt, my heart has remained closed. Closed because I still refuse to give up, closed because I still cannot accept the way things have turned out, yet it is now closed because it shall forever be stored in some distant memory. And it shall never become active again. Maybe one day, this memory shall one day vanish with the passing of time.
I cannot remember who told me this; I think it was Keith, or maybe it was my sis and close friends have said: You are Aquarian, you are emotional, but so? You are an engineer, so you have to be practical. If things are not meant to be, you gotta move on. At that instance, I feel like the biggest fool in the world. That after all that has been done, all I can get in return is I am sorry/ It is just not meant to be.
In retrospect, however, keith might have been right. If the answer returned has remained at that, then perhaps it's time to move on. And yes, I am ready to move on.
But what does moving on mean to me? Moving on means I have closed that chapter, stored it in my permanent memory, and that miss shall forever remain my 遗憾. But will I ever forget this chapter and MOVE ON, which some people can rattle off so easily? 可惜我是水瓶座...I know my close friends probably 替我不值. But I cannot simply let go and pretend nothing has ever happened.
Anyway, like how I have promised myself, I am moving on from here. And hopefully I don't ever have to reminiscience about it again. In truth, I don't really think about it, especially now. Only thing is, the Cornell community is closed knit, and it is almost inevitable. Any slight contact/ mention and the memories flood back again. It is gonna be hard, there is almost a sense of inevitability in it, but I have to move on and get on with the life I had been leading this past 4 weeks.
To end on a happier note, I am meeting Xiya for dinner tonight. And no it isn't at some XYZ restaurant or crap takeaways. We are cooking for our dinner! Makes the dinner OUR VERY OWN! I hope she doesn't complain about my cooking, because I got to admit my cooking skills are pretty raw at the moment. I am excited about it, and I hope she enjoys my potato salad (which I have learned from Joanna, so she will take half the blame, BUT I am taking the full credit on this one!) and Japanese curry ;)
Signing off,
Henry O
;
3:32 PM
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